#Strongwomen. "I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful – for all of it." Kristin Armstrong
Are you like me, someone who wants to speak up when you see or hear something unjust, but sometimes hesitates because you don’t want to make things worse, or make someone feel small?
That hesitation comes from care. Most of us don’t want to hurt people; we want to make things better. But we were never taught how. We were taught to keep the peace, not to have hard conversations with grace.
I recently watched Sarah Crawford-Bohl’s TED Talk How to Speak Up — Even When You Don’t Want To.
She shows that courage and kindness can live in the same sentence. You can hold your ground without pushing someone else off theirs.
The Four Phrases That Can Change Any Difficult Conversation
It doesn’t take a big speech. Sometimes it’s the smallest phrases that shift the whole tone of a conversation:
Instead of “With respect…”, try “I see it differently.”
Instead of “That’s wrong.”, try “Can we look at that another way?”
Instead of “You can’t say that.”, try “That might land differently for some people.”
Instead of silence, try “I’m not sure that sits right with me.”
These simple swaps are powerful. They keep people in the conversation rather than shutting it down.
Why Teaching Kids How to Speak Up Might Be the Most Important Lesson of All
Even after years of negotiation training, I still catch myself slipping into an overly forceful tone when something matters to me. It’s hard to unlearn. But that’s exactly why this work matters, because if we can teach young people how to use their voices with strength and empathy, maybe they won’t have to spend years unlearning the habits we did.
It’s the same truth behind that short film Justice, the moment when a teacher unfairly dismisses a student and everyone stays silent
and the playful How to Start a Movement clip, where the brave first follower turns one person’s awkward dance into a movement.
In both, the real change begins when someone chooses courage over comfort.
Speaking up doesn’t have to make anyone feel small. Done with care, it can make everyone in the room a little braver.
In May 2024, I shared an article by communications specialist Alex Reed about expressing opinions respectfully. It has become one of the most popular posts on my blog. Two years later, I’ve been revisiting that advice.
I’ve spent much of this year talking with people about leadership, community engagement and what happens when people with different opinions try to make decisions together. I’ve also had some fascinating conversations on Facebook with people whose opinions are very different from mine. Some have challenged my thinking and others have tested my patience.
I’ve discovered that some people would rather explain their opinions for the eleventh time than consider that someone might understand them perfectly well and disagree. And now I’m wondering how many of the arguments I’ve had on Facebook were with actual human beings.
According to Imperva’s 2026 Bad Bot Report, automated systems generated more than 53% of web traffic in 2025, with 40% of total traffic classified as malicious. The figures come from cybersecurity company Imperva’s research into website activity. They don’t tell us how many Facebook commenters are bots, but they raise an interesting question about who or what we are engaging with online.
So I’ve revisited Alex’s advice, added some lessons from my recent experiences, and questioned a couple of the original recommendations.
Know what you want from the conversation
Before you speak, write or comment, ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Are you sharing information, challenging a claim, trying to persuade someone or genuinely curious about how another person arrived at an opinion you find difficult to understand?
Your purpose will influence how you approach the conversation. And if you’re hoping to change someone’s mind, consider how likely that is when you begin by telling them they’re an idiot.
Be clear and brief
Make your point early and choose words your audience understands. I’ve attended presentations where experts have spent considerable time explaining research, complete with detailed diagrams and impressive terminology. Sometimes the audience understands the information perfectly well. They simply disagree with the conclusions.
Repeating the explanation, with another diagram for good measure, rarely solves that problem. Ask people what they have understood before deciding what else to explain.
Speak for yourself
Alex’s original advice encouraged using phrases such as “I think”, “I feel” and “I believe” to make opinions less confrontational. These expressions can help when describing personal experiences or feelings, but you can also say, “The evidence shows…” or “Can you explain how you reached that conclusion?”
You can disagree strongly without making the disagreement personal. And when you have evidence to support your position, share it.
Listen to understand
Give people the opportunity to finish what they’re saying and read their entire comment before responding. Ask questions such as “What led you to that conclusion?”, “Where did you find that information?” or “Have you considered this evidence?”
You may discover that two people who appear to disagree are actually concerned about the same problem but favour different solutions. You may also discover that you have completely different values. Either discovery tells you something.
Be curious about people who disagree with you
Some of the most interesting conversations I’ve had have been with people whose opinions I strongly oppose. I’m particularly interested in how people I know and respect can reach conclusions that I find abhorrent.
What experiences influenced them? What information are they relying on? Have they considered the consequences of the policies or positions they support? Asking someone to explain their reasoning gives you more information than telling them they’re wrong. Of course, they may ask you to explain yours.
Understand the difference between disagreement and disrespect
You can challenge someone’s argument without attacking their intelligence, character or motives. Criticise the claim, question the evidence and explain the consequences.
If someone makes a statement about immigration, for example, ask how their proposal would affect industries that rely on migrant labour. If someone argues against a policy designed to protect children, ask what alternative protections they propose. Specific questions give people something specific to answer.
Choose your words carefully
The original advice recommended avoiding emotional language. I would qualify that. Some issues deserve an emotional response. Domestic violence, racism, discrimination and threats to people’s safety are hardly subjects about which we should be expected to feel indifferent.
But calling somebody an idiot rarely helps explain your position. Be as passionate as you like about the issue and give people evidence and reasons to consider alongside that passion.
Practise empathy
Try to understand what another person has experienced and what they fear losing. People may reach different political conclusions because their circumstances, opportunities and experiences have been very different. Understanding those experiences can explain their opinions. It doesn’t oblige you to agree with them.
Recognise when someone is trying to provoke you
This is an addition I wouldn’t have considered necessary in May 2024. Before responding to an unfamiliar account online, have a look at its profile and posting history. Does it appear to belong to a real person? Does it repeatedly post the same material? Does it engage with questions or simply respond with another provocative statement?
None of these signs proves an account is automated. Human beings can behave this way too. But if an account repeatedly ignores your questions and tries to provoke another argument, consider whether replying is achieving anything. Remember that other people may be reading the exchange, even if they never comment.
Give people time to respond
In a meeting, allow people to finish and ask for clarification before challenging a statement. Online, read your response before posting it. Have you answered what the person actually said? Have you checked the facts? Is your response likely to encourage a useful exchange?
Sometimes ten minutes away from the keyboard can save another hour of argument.
Know when to leave
Alex’s original article encouraged people to agree to disagree. It’s good advice. You can understand somebody’s position, disagree with every word and end the conversation.
You can also decide that somebody who repeatedly ignores your questions has had enough of your attention. And social media offers a rather convenient feature called the block button.
Remember that communication is a two-way responsibility
Much of the advice about respectful communication concentrates on the person speaking, but the person listening has responsibilities too. Are you prepared to consider evidence that contradicts your opinion? Are you asking questions because you want answers, or because you’re looking for another opportunity to explain yourself?
Can you recognise when somebody understands your argument but doesn’t accept it? And can you admit when somebody has given you information you hadn’t previously considered?
I’ve spent years encouraging young people to develop four skills: curiosity, creativity, collaboration and communication. I’m increasingly convinced that adults could benefit from practising them too.
The next time you encounter someone whose opinions are very different from yours, what would happen if you asked one more question before making your next statement? And how would you know when you’d asked enough?
What are your thoughts? Is this a masterclass in how to have a conversation?
This article revisits and expands on communication advice originally shared in May 2024 from communications specialist Alex Reed.
Source for bot statistics: Imperva, 2026 Bad Bot Report, Bad Bots in the Agentic Age.
